Needing to express myself..

so I sat here and just wrote the first thing that came to my mind. I feel like everything around me doesn't make sense. The people that hurt me prosper and move on while I'm left here picking up the pieces. My enemies seem to be the good guys and I'm the bad guy no one wants to be around. I never feel like I'm doing enough or good enough. Yesterday when my daughter's father dropped her off, I saw a smirk on his face that I will have to see for a long time. A smirk of victory as my daughter cries because she has to come back home with me after spending the weekend with him. I hear him whisper to her in a sad voice, "I know, I know", while pulling her out of his car. As if he sympathizes with her not wanting to come home; like I'm a monster or something. Many people speak about absent fathers but no one will touch on the overbearing obsessive fathers. Whenever I make a mistake in judgment on her behalf or didn't do something a different way, he is there to point it out to me. Not letting me forget that my mothering is not second nature to me. It's something I have to work at making better. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm no good for my kids.


Everyday I go to work, pushing myself, dealing with folks I don't care for, trying to provide, and be strong. At the end of the day I go to pick up my daughter. As I ring the babysitter's door bell I can hear her my daughter on the other side of the door yelling with excitement, "DADDY DADDY!" The first glimpse I get of my daughter after a hard slave driven day is disappointment that I'm there instead of the one she wants. I know how kids can be but this hurts me so much. I'm ashamed of how my daughter would rather be with her father. It would be a lie if I said that I was a GREAT mother (whatever that is). I do the best that I can...


I just want to be done with this pain. I don't want my daughter to be with me if she doesn't want to...Should children be able to decide where they want to live? If so, my daughter would be gone in a heart beat. I love her and it just hurts that she'd rather be with her father. There is nothing wrong with her wanting her father, but it seems she is miserable with me. Just thought I'd write this out so I can start my day feeling a little bit cleansed. No need in me hiding my feelings, this is me and I'm real and very imperfect.