The alarm sounds and I'm like to hell with this day from get go. I'm already done without even placing one foot to the cold floor. Every morning I battle with the sick call in thing. This morning there was no war. I stayed in bed most of the day only getting up to tend to my daughter and to play "it girl" on facebook. It amazed me how many hours I slept. My daughter barely even bothered me. She is usually in there jumping up and down on my bed demanding my attention. But, this time she was content, at ease. Right now in my life I'm the 'bad guy'. Most of the time, my kids hate me. Their fathers despise me for being the child support recipient. My kids and their fathers work against me in different ways but for the same exact reason...to get what they want. Everybody just wants to get WHAT they want no matter how it affects all those involved. Feels like I'm holding up this titanic all on my own and no one is helping it sail but only weighing it down with bullshit agendas. To be honest with you, at this point, I don't give a damn. I want to run away to a hole in a wall...anywhere I can feel in control of my surroundings, at home. This life is knocking me from pillar to post cracking my head wide open. Getting beat in the head with responsibility. Couldn't even take ONE bloody stupid class without the drama seeping in. I'm turned off by the thought of something that gave me pleasure has now turned into another responsibility or task to complete, not something fun and enlightening.
I'm sick of New York and the rat race bullshit. I'm sick of brown nosing uncle toms flossing. I'm sick of living for everyone else around me. I'm sick of pushing my desires down so far I can't even remember they ever existed. I'm sick. There are good things in my life. Grant it..I have life, food, shelter, a job...but what are any of these things without feeling free to fly like a dove in the sun.
When will I feel like I can't wait to go to bed just so I can get up to face the next day? When will I smile on Sunday nights in anticipation of the weeks adventures? When will I get a moment to breathe? WHEN??????????????
Well, one thing is clear. My daughter was happy today because she didn't have to go to school.. which she hates at the moment btw. She is acting out at school having crying fits and being difficult with the teachers. GREAT! So of course, mom is under heavy scrutiny from the school and her father who is perfect in all he does concerning her. I guess I done good by somebody today. But,
I'm sorry, Joy. Maybe I will get a do over in my next life. Because this one is just....
7 people feelin' some type of way:
I betcha that felt good letting that out...
I pray that you find the peace and happiness soon.. Keep you head up and don't forget to Woooooooooosahhhhhhh...
(hug) calm down sis, when the walls are closing in shut ya eyes and just breathe. When all you hear is thunder close your eyes and just breathe, when the light is blinding close your eyes a just breathe.
Just for that second, for that moment, thats an act of control, you didn't panic you took one breath when life was screaming for you to run, to jump, to hide, to struggle. Now open your eyes and look around, their just kids they are supposed to try and get what they want. But if you say no I'm sure after a while they know mama means business. I've heard you on the phone with them stern but understanding.
The childrens fathers hey they aren't with you, they are also their children they have a responsibility to their seed. Both of you will share in whatever greatness comes from their lives so for now financially they must also bear the burden of their upbringing their grouse cause it's dough but save for one I'm sure they appreciate and respect how great a job you are doing raising their kids. It's money people always mouth off when it comes to their dough.
Now for your daughter, *ahem* I know where she gets that acting out from, I know another rather cute smiled, chocolate, beauty who can through one hell of a tantrum. Obviously while she enjoyed being home from school she also knew mama needed a little peace.
You are only a prisoner in your mind, you want to do more spread your dreams out in front of you and begin to knit the tapestry. You have made many steps, hell leaps even when you swore the weight in your heart would drag you down. You just have to appreciate each step you have taken and use it to prepare you for the next one.
The only person who can bring your dreams to life is you, and the only person stopping you is you. I think your stronger though so go ahead and prepare to live your dreams, I have faith in you, I know you can make it
I do agree with Tommy in that, you are in more control then you give yourself credit for being. We've talked and we'll talk some more...
Tommy was right about another thing...Chloe sensed that you just needed to be left alone. I told you...kids see more than you know.
((((HUGS))))
...and quit apologizing for your feelings!!!
Thanks everybody for dealing with my vent session. I love each one of you. I mean that.
Sorry for being late to the Vent Party.
Joy, do your Venting without Shame. Only you can censor yourself when you write and express yourself. No one can take that away from you. We all have those days; some more than others, yet it doesn't and shouldn't stop us from saying what we think and feel.
*HUGS*
"Better Out than In, as I always say!" -Shrek
Thanks so much Andrew. I really appreciate that. ((((((HUG)))))
To one extent or another, we all have moments where we'd like to chuck it in and run off and away from demands, pressures and drudgery.
Thank you for being honest with yourself and letting us share in your very raw emotions. I know KNOW that felt good to let it out. This is a very important vehicle towards keeping your sanity!! Do NOT give it up, no matter what anyone tries to force on you!!
It's a good thing.
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