I bid the Bronx adieu..

The Bronx represents my true independence, my grown and sexy living, along with my ability to initiate my survival tactics. I thought about writing this blog for weeks now. My hesitation comes from me often putting things out in the universe before I am absolutely certain of my intentions. I have to be careful with my ideas and outlooks because once I get strong (most times, unrealistic) areas in my head, I blindingly live by them with no logical reasoning.

Since 2005, I held on to the Bronx tight. We moved to the Bronx because my husband claimed he couldn't find a place for us in Harlem, even though he knew the only family I had up here resided in Harlem. I went along anyway because I wanted to get out of the bad living condition in my old place. My thought was that he must be ready to take care of me, because in the Bronx I had no one to help me. Our Bainbridge apartment was huge and filled with architectural richness just blocks away from Fordham. The rent was too damn high for me to wing it alone when the problems arose in our marriage. We were so close to Fordham University, that our landlord charged us rent like we were rich college students from the Hamptons or something. In 2006, we moved to University Avenue just blocks away from Bronx Community College. So yeah, the rent was up my alley.

I learned so many things about myself. One thing I learned is that I don't have the ability to smile through torturous emotional abuse. Basically, I didn't know how to hold my tongue. Marriage seems to be about dulling your spirit for your partner in this crime, without showing resentment. *smh* Side note: I have respect for people that are successful in this tight rope waltz. My mother once told me at the end of my marriage, "Joy, you can NEVER tell a man he doesn't respect his craft even if you know he doesn't." O_O huh? See that right there.. I can't do that. That statement opened up my eyes and my mother doesn't even know how much she revealed to me. Life doesn't coddle me, so I don't know how to do it to others.

I've grown to loathe the statement many of us throw around, "marriage is not for me". Personally, it's like I'm making an excuse for my inability to mesh with a partner in an intimate way while allowing him to see my (not so attractive) rebellious nature. Life has sucker punched me senseless and left me seeing stars that were so bright I couldn't see. Later, I realized that life is not the same for everyone and just because I feel most times I get the unwanted shaft; others are cruising with no bruising down the shaft to contentment.

My ideas are... grown ups should grow up to part from parents, period. Two heads of household should NOT dwell. If you have children, your parents should not have to suffer due to your responsibilities. The ghetto lives in your head. Surroundings don't completely define me. Choices don't determine my worth. Some of my theories are not untruths or unrealistic. Most times, my attitude towards them caused me to either make rash decisions or nest when I needed to move forward to the next lesson.

Well, now is the time I must move forward and claim my life, my name, and my peace. For months I gathered magazine clippings to create my vision board. This vision board will be pretty ways of displaying what I want for me, from me, and around me.

I'm done trying to prove my point, whatever that is. Time for me to go home. Bye Boogie down..gotta put you down.