The Birth of my Numbness..part 1

this is a two parter....

Friday, just minutes before it was quitting time a friend asked me this question. "Joy, where are you emotionally right now?" Good question right? I was floored by it.

Let me back this up a little. You see, Friday was the day after the baby daddy drama fiasco that kept me up all night. But, my problems didn't begin on Friday. Monday started with receiving a bad evaluation at work. This set the week off. This left me drained but relieved. Why relieved you ask? Because all I'm thinking is maybe I've filled my fucked-up-shit-happenings for the week quota. Well, turns out it was only a daily quota fulfilled. After the evaluation, I was up all night thinking about the year I've had and how hard it's been. Also, thinking of how my supervisor took pleasure in writing only negative things in my evaluation. Will I write a rebuttal? Will I tell them to kiss my ass and quit? Or will I break down? I wasn't sure exactly until Wednesday. I thought it through and decided not to let it go without me speaking my mind on the situation. Yes, I will write a rebuttal. This left me feeling a little calmer because I felt that even though the evaluation is there, I still get to speak my truth.

Then, Thursday...this day was so busy at work. I was so tired. I wasn't getting much sleep worrying over my job, my kids, and myself. Once I got home I sat down checked my email and laid down for a little nap before my daughter comes home. I put my head down at 6:30pm and woke up at 7:50pm. My daughter is due home at 7pm. It was then that I knew my life is about to be in a crazy loop. I check my phone I laid next to me so I can hear when my daughter's father alerts me to come downstairs and it was dead. So I go over to my cell phone and call him and the drama is on...here is the short version. There was a cab ride, shouting matches, lies, deception, police were called, even a precinct visit (I still don't understand that one)...and FINALLY I got my daughter in my arms around 11ish.

I slept with my daughter but I didn't get much sleep. I got up at about 4am couldn't get back to sleep so I just stayed up until it was time for me to get ready for work. There was no way I could call out from work with all the uncertainty and there was too much work I had to finish up. I had to dress my daughter while she was still asleep and get her off to the school bus. Surprisingly, I get to work early. I don't know how I did all of this. My mind is blurry. But, I can see myself smiling at students as they stop by for advisement. I also see myself returning emails promptly, networking with faculty about exam preparation and the whole nine yards. It almost felt like I wasn't even doing it...like I was floating around and something else was driving me.

NOW, this leads me off where I began...the question pops up in an IM window out of no where. "Joy, where are you emotionally right now?", he asks. I typed this response right back.."I'm smiling outwardly through my inward depression"


to be continued...