Misinterpretations of Grandeur...Part 1

Part 1: The Foundation

Reasoning:

Sharing my love story is an attempt to gain balance and clarity for future reference. My angle is to tell this story without bashing those involved including myself with no embellishments. Ok? Let’s see if this is possible.

We sit in the car while the sun peeks over the horizon cooking the dashboard, in silence. This silence is filled with confusion on my part. Did I just get a profession of his love for me due to his shortcomings? Or is this thing genuine? I say to myself…time will tell all. We share small talk on the ride home. In between he would gaze over at me and his handsome stare made me feel warm inside. We walked into that swing party friends and left with many possibilities. The “love” we made that morning once we got to my place was so special. I wasn’t sure if his words were completely genuine at this point but his body moved with mine and it made me smile. I felt we were one. I spoke of the uncertainty of his words. Now let me expound on my philosophies on life and love and show their truth with actions.

Coming out of a horrible separation still pending the divorce decree (don’t ask), I was pretty confident in the hopes for my future. My ex told me many times that I was spoiled and my mouth got me in trouble. I took a lot of time after we went our separate ways to get some things out of my system, because I was neglected in every way in my marriage; especially towards the end. Over a year I remained single only attaining friends with benefits along the way. So when moving forward into this new situation, I unknowingly excluded many things that were essential to making a relationship of any kind work. LIKE: speaking up when things bothered me, setting standards, and not changing myself for others. Here are a few things I knew as fact: #1) I didn’t want to get married again #2) I didn’t want to have more children #3) I wanted to experience love in every aspect; ride it out, while letting it all in. Simple? Right? Now the fourth one is the major key and it also served as the down fall to why this “love” did not flourish. #4) Peep all clues and hints of negative, bad, or aggressive behavior patterns. I did just that, however I didn’t do anything about what I saw for fear of losing the one I loved. Once I finally mustered up the courage to speak up it was too late. #5) Voice my needs clearly. Again, if I’m not speaking up this is impossible. And lastly, #6) stick by his side till the end; no running for cover. I’m sure you can tell I obviously reneged on at least 2 or 3 of the points I mentioned above. I didn’t follow through with some things. Charge that to me being simply a human being. Overall, I was up for the challenge. I was ready for love.

I had this seemingly farfetched idea that two people could come together unconventionally and defy the odds from society. Sounds like I’m a dreamer right? Our beginning, through out, and ending were unorthodox and I was confident that as long as we were communicating honestly we would survive. We both agreed that we #1) didn’t want a relationship in the society meaning #2) we would let the other person know if we ever wanted out for any reason #3) no marriage and #4) no more children. I felt like this was a foundation for something great. We didn’t need to conduct our love the way others do. And we didn’t need a piece of paper to define or label our commitment. MY heart and mind was all in it. And that is all that mattered.

Why did I love him? Let me tell you why I loved him. On this internet (not in the flesh..lol) I used to be a pretty big deal. And with this people would most times come at me only to appease me to get what they wanted. To make a long story short I ran shit and these men did what I said. Point blank. It seemed men and women gravitated towards me. Not sure what my spirit was saying, but it was speaking their language. The bad part to all of this is that I never really knew the true intentions of others and never really got a chance to know them on a personal level. However, this man would tell me about myself in stereo. He was loud and colorful with his interpretation of my character. He gave it to me straight; no chaser. And believe it or not, I admired and respected that from him. He was very book smart. I learned so much from him. He also had this agile way about him that was exciting. It was almost like he was on edge; always on the brink of greatness. He was in tune to my spirit and highly attentive. He knew when something was bothering me even if I tried to hide it with jokes and teasing. His strength was unimaginable. Through suffering with physical ailments he managed to maintain an interesting grasp on life. His sense of humor was way different. Unique. His jokes snuck up on ya, you never saw them coming. It always baffled me how someone who has experienced much pain was able to give me side pains from laughter. He was hard, protecting, he cared and dammit he loved to cuddle. My kids loved him and they still do. My babygirl draws pictures of him still to this day and asks me on a regular basis, “Where is Wob?” And it breaks my heart.

I can go on and on about this man, but I must get into some other things…not so pleasant.