Misinterpretations of Grandeur…Part 2

Part 2: Awkward Beautiful Beginnings

I wrote this disclaimer weeks ago: Last night I decided not to continue this story. Something happened last night that made me feel grateful, blessed, dismissed and brushed off all at the same time. You had to be there. But, this morning in the shower I realized I need to finish what I start for once..and I start doing that today. Right now…

I’m aware that it’s going on 4 months since we’ve been an item. Some of you feel I need to get my head out of the past and move on. And I will in due time. Sorry to say, I didn’t snap back from this one in a week’s time. According to me, this love was no weekend fling. May be I’m not helping you with my little slice of my love life. But, the author of this love story is getting some much needed therapy. They say hind sight is 20/20 right?! Without further ode…Part 2.

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Now before I dove into the un-pleasantries, let me give you guys some back story. We met on Yahoo 360, my second time around. I had to abandon my first page due to some drama I got myself into. He reached out to me privately and of course I didn’t respond right away. I was the shiznit remember. And my page generated much traffic and kept me busy whenever I was online. I did get back to him eventually. The Confession Blog on my page stated that I love dick pics and/or videos for my viewing pleasure. So he asked if he can send me some things via email. *smile* my my my….to see him in motion was a pleasure treat for my eyes. We spoke online briefly before we exchanged numbers to take this thing away from the matrix. And let me tell you, he was so intriguing. Our conversations were always interesting. And he kept me laughing. I loved his sense of humor. Not sure why but I allowed too much time to pass without touching base. Let’s pause here for a second. I’m awful with the returning of the phone calls thing. This is not a reflection of my interest in you. I just wanted to put that out there. I got a couple of people pissed with me right now. Know that I love you. Charge it to my scatter brainisms. Well, Mr. Clarity called me on it. I was shocked senseless. Yep, he put your girl on Front Street; couldn’t even duck behind a tree. I was like ass out right there on Main Street. I’m not sure if he knows this or not, but while he was blasting me over the phone I was on the other end of the receiver smiling, thinking. Ahhhhh…he is a feisty one. I likey. Shortly after this encounter I called him and said, “I want to see you”. The fact of the matter is if any man was going to deal with me, he would have to be head strong. And he proved that he was…not afraid to tell it like it is, even if it meant telling me I was wrong.

My Nino Brown (yeah, I have all these nicknames for him) already wrote about our first encounter so I won’t riddle you guys with redundancy. Let me just give you the cliff notes version of things. He arrived, showed out, had me in tears of “joy” and hit me with this amazing Spiderman move in my kitchen. WHEW! Yeah, spidey was in the building and he had my head spinning with amazement. The residual effects of that first meeting rendered me poetic and resulted in “Clarity Dick on a Foggy Day”. Have you ever hit something that was so good that it had you rhyming for days?

Eventually, as time passed I introduced him to my boys. They clicked instantly. My boys talked with him about comic books, video games and sports. They were so comfortable with him. So much so I was able to catch a catnap in his arms while they chatted away. Now, my baby girl took some time to come around which was understandable. But, in no time she was sharing her art work with him, asking for him, and allowing him to pick her up. He was like that. He filled the room with his charm and you couldn’t help but gravitate towards it.

I’m sure everyone is aware that even though you lay ground rules in the beginning things change as you grow. Going out was something we rarely did and this was fine in the beginning. There are some things that we never got the opportunity to experience. It hindered us from reaching heights unseen because our love was being concealed by walls and ceilings. Love needs room to grow, but in turn it was suffocated by the repetition of the norm. Our love grew so big that it couldn’t be contained in one room. Now, don’t get me wrong. We did go out a few times in the year. And those few times were beautiful; his birthday, movie with the kids and a DAS EFX concert at the Knitting Factory (EPIC). No, summer days in the park together, no dinner, no traditional date…that was ok. I’m no traditionalist anyway. However, I always wondered if these were things he wanted to share with me. I still will never know. I am grateful that we spent that time but I did want more. For a long time I didn’t voice this concern because I understood with his illness (discoid lupus) he was a little uneasy about going out in public. I learned during this time that it doesn’t matter how much you show someone that you think they are beautiful and that you love them. If they don’t love themselves and believe in their own self worth, your efforts are useless. I understood his story so I hung in there trying to allow him time to come to the knowledge that I had already attained; he was the bomb diggidty.

Now let me get into some things that needed serious work. I called him Nino Brown, not due to his disrespect toward women like the character in “New Jack City”. But I called him Nino Brown because he meant business, he didn’t play. As time passed on, this behavior was a little too intense at times. And I allowed his aggressive way to stifle the voice that I found in me just a year ago. His jealousy of other men in my life grew to be a constant ongoing discussion. It almost seemed as if he was more concerned with how people viewed him than what I thought about him as the person committed to him. See, blogging is not just a pass time for me, it’s my therapy. After we got serious he had a problem with me being online. He complained about it often. This also became a problem. So I reneged once again on one of my rules by allowing him to dictate to me how to conduct myself; basically change me. I complied because I did recognize within me I could stand to change some things. And we have to compromise right? I almost halted completely most of all my online activity that he didn’t like; my flirting, chatting with male friends and blogging about personal things. I sort of cut myself off; lost myself, so to speak.

Soon after we started to get serious; tragedy hit him. A dear friend of his passed away after being in the hospital for weeks from a car accident. I saw him grieve for the first time. In turn I tried to be arms for comforting while he sobbed. I was also an ear for listening whenever he wanted to share the good times he had with his friend. And, I also allowed him much needed time alone. Towards the end he confided in me that he felt I was constantly thinking of myself. Funny thing is our conversations always concerned him; his issues, his needs, his gripes, his dreams. Still to this day, I doubt he really even knows much about me. He spent a lot of time trying to change me, rearranging things in my life before even knowing me completely. Now, this is where I went wrong badly. It was my responsibility to communicate to him my issues. But in my mind I felt his were greater so why trivialize things with mine. Bad I know. He would often flip off my issues. Because in his eyes the things I experienced were nothing compared to his. I refused to get into a woe is me battle with him. I wouldn’t win anyway. No one ever does.

I have to stop here and take a break before I get into the things I have to speak on in Part 3.