Misinterpretations of Grandeur…Part 3

Part 3: Pleasure Cruise gone South

Let me start by apologizing for the delay in this posting. The events that happen in this section came so fast and so sporadically that it was hard for me to get things in good sequence. I’m pretty sure I’m mixing up the sequence of events…part 3..

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Our harmony began to get off track. We did not complement each other the way we used to in the beginning of our adventure. To be honest, it seemed the problems started once I woke up so to speak. Once I started to speak up and voice concern; that is when the REAL problems began. We held up a mirror to reflect the other person’s imperfections with no mercy. We allowed the pain and hurt from the past to rise to the surface and wipe us out. Every obstacle or hardship brought out his depression and his rejection of me while he relished in his dark space which in turn brought out my insecurities and my abandonment feelings. Once our defense mechanisms showed up it was a wrap. Because they are only survival tactics gone wrong. I thought that he saw what I was showing him, the whole picture, not just the negatives. I told on myself all the time with him. I displayed my good, bad and ugly because I’m real like that. I don’t see the need in hiding anything if it will only be revealed later down the line in a bad way. You might as well get it out there your way. BUT he also told on himself too even when he didn’t know it. He tried to hold back which in turn gave him the unfair advantage to judge me and use things to hurt me. But you know what, I saw him and it wasn’t all gravy but like they say you have to love the very crumb of a man. And I did just that. I found the beauty in a lot of the things he did even though he could be pretty mean.

Why did I walk away? There were so many reasons why. Let’s get into this for a minute. Toward the end of our relationship, both of his aunts became gravely ill. As a person from the outside looking in, I knew that we wouldn’t survive. Not because I’m over here worried about us while he is seeing his aunts get sicker, no. It was because I saw how he dealt with pain and I knew this wouldn’t end well. But, I always kept in mind our little pact, “tell the other person when you’ve had enough”. So I pushed forward knowing that if things just got too unbearable I had our little pact to fall back on. I tried my best to show my support the same as I’d done before with his friend. This was not an easy thing. Because the actions he displayed really played on my abandonment issues. My ex husband was very neglectful, not attentive, and most times I wondered if he even knew I was in the room. That relationship left me feeling undesired, unloved. Also being disowned by my father, this was a Petri dish for disaster. However, I did take time after that break up to build myself up and I thought I did…But, those old feelings came back to haunt me in the end. I felt like I didn’t make any progress. Because there I was again, alone, feeling unwanted. Things only got worse when he started to come around even less frequent. There were times when I would have to go out to the movies or dinner alone. I always invited him to try to get him to come out and get his mind off things even if it was for a couple of hours and he would turn me down. He even told me once that he likes to wallow in his self pity and plus, he didn’t feel comfortable going out in public because of his illness. However, he was able to work, hang out with friends, run errands for his mom and other things that required him to be out and about. But, hey I left it alone. I’m sure you all are already guessing that I was starting to feel that he didn’t want to be seen with me OR there is someone else. So I stuck to waiting for him to feel up to seeing me. I didn’t just want to see him because I’m just selfish, which I can be, but I wanted to comfort him and try and help him get through the pain of losing his aunts. Weeks would go by and I wouldn’t see him. He would call me, speak to me for 5 minutes and then say I’ll call you back. Many nights I waited for his call that never came. When he did come over he was always antsy, looking at his phone, calling his mother. He seemed to be looking for reasons to get away from me. Not sure why. I let him go every time, not getting in his way because I didn’t know what losing people you love really felt like so I always would opt to keep my mouth shut and let him deal however he needed to. Also, there was the issue with the ex. Early in our relationship I did peep the attachment he still had to the ex. When I would ask him how long had it been seen they were an item he always hesitated to tell me. Still to this day I feel he was still in love with his ex and he probably didn’t deal with that break up before he started things with me. A lot of times he would tell me how he wanted me and to be with me but I didn’t always believe him only because his actions spoke otherwise. There was this blog that he wrote saying the total opposite of what I thought I had been doing all along. Saying how selfish I was and how all I was thinking about was myself, paraphrasing of course. And yep, the end kept pulling at me. It wasn’t because I was hurt by the things he was saying; I was hurt because I saw that my staying with him wasn’t helping. I was causing more a problem.

When I attempted to break things off with him; “walk away” is what I said exactly. His words crashed down on me like a truck slamming into an over pass. You are always in shock for a while when you are caught off guard. Seems you must be on guard no matter who you are dealing with. Lesson learned 223…I was crushed. I tried to not take his personal attacks personal. I don’t think I have recovered still to this day. There is a difference between living life to the fullest as opposed to walking around on auto pilot. Not that the things he said were all false but it was in the form he used them to maliciously hurt and threatened my life for leaving him. I never understood that because I seemed to be more of an annoyance to him than anything. That is what was the most painful. It seems no matter how much I tried to walk away in hopes to salvage a friendship, he killed it. I hated him for that for a while. His IM font style in CAP was hitting me in the gut like a heavy weight champion taking on a featherweight. He finally said how he really felt about me and my character. Wow! Ever have the wind knocked out of you. Sometimes it may take a lifetime to regain full consciousness. Well, that is what it’s like to have your love bubble burst. It’s one thing to have a third party; another woman, drugs, or just outside influences try to draw a wedge in between, but when the very person you share the love with is sporting the needle. It stings deep. A while ago a friend of mine on 360 once said that “love is giving someone the power to destroy you and knowing that they won’t harm you”. This statement always stuck with me. It didn’t matter what he told me I would not have used it to do him harm. Even while he darted insults, harsh words with name calling, I couldn’t find one bad thing to say to him. Not because he was perfect, but because even though he was breaking me down, I didn’t see what I would gain in darting those insults back. I know how words can hurt if used in a harsh way. Sort of like what I discussed in my “Dishers VS. Takers” video I posted on youtube. That video was after our last face off.

One thing I did learn about myself is that when I get angry enough I make rash hasty decisions out of anger. This usually leaves me feeling a lot of regret. As wild and unpredictable I can be at times, I practice a lot of self control. This self control is often taken as being a push over, a coward or a punk. Nah, I’m none of those things. I just know what can happen if I really get mad. Nope, I’m not the fighting type (never had to raise these hands in defense of my life), but I do have a way of dismissing those in my path that hurt me to no end.

There is no need to get into specifics but umm let’s just say..he went hard for the streets on ya girl B.E. That was not a part of our deal; our ground rules. I felt to walk away was for the best. It was not my intention to walk away for good; never. It was an attempt to take a breather so we could possibly return and try again or at least save our friendship. But, he pretty much made sure that was not going to happen. My guess is he wanted to seal the deal. I went out with my sistah that night to hear Taalam Acey spit that lyrical poetry but it was hard to focus. He was on my mind. How could he say those things? How could he threaten to do me harm? Who is this person anyway? He apologized profusely over and over again. I was pretty confused at this point because he was apologizing saying the EXACT opposite of what he was screaming in IM message font caps and phone interactions earlier that day.

I ignored him for a while, just trying to stay away to cool off. It’s almost like when a little kid touches that hot stove for the first time. The lesson is instantly learned; engraved in their little minds. The time we had apart was a bit much for me. I missed him sorely. Even though we didn’t do much; I missed the phone calls, the jokes, and yes..the sex. My friends were always supportive of any decision I wanted to make concerning him and for that I am grateful.

The End….

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Yep, I say the end…because our relationship was pretty much over after that. Even though I finally accepted his apology and tried my best not to mention the incident again; there was respect lost. And from that outburst he was the one that lost respect for me first. Still not sure why but I have ideas. What did I learn from that incident? 1) some people will never be able to accept your imperfections no matter how obviously screwed up they are and 2) never tell all your inner thoughts to anyone especially the one you are in a relationship with. Because when the chips are down depending on that person’s character they may use your secrets as ammunition.

Now, these are some things that should NOT be the defining factor in ending a relationship. Like: not taking me anywhere, blowing up at me from his own frustrations, being ignored, etc. These are just symptoms of a bigger problem. What were the problems? On his end: his insecurities, his jealousy, his not seeing the great person he was, not loving himself, not dealing with his pain in a better way and lastly but not least he didn’t play fair. What were my problems? I allowed myself to be molded by him (I think I was a little obsessed; shut up Tommy & Kiwi..lol), I didn’t speak up, I could have showed more compassion, I’m pessimistic (that glass is STILL half empty) and of course I can be spoiled.

If you were to ask me what hurts the most, I will have to say it’s the fact that once I showed him who I was he didn’t accept me the way I accepted him flaws and all. I mean he seriously rejected me, my person, my essence. That hurts. I will never get over that…Funny thing is, I really thought that because I accepted all of him that he would have to do the same. And that is so far from the truth, God has given us ALL the gift of free will.