*Riddled with Dilemmas*
Where do I start? So I've been single for a year now. Please don't judge me but this is where my head resides at the moment.
1st Dilemma..So, I don't want a relationship. First off, I feel they don't work. Secondly, because I feel like I don't have anything to offer another person. I have no tolerance for anything. Not because I'm lame or something but because I'm drained of motivation. Like I stated in my 2009 edition, I've always been in relationships where I was used for some reason or another. I guess now I want to be on the receiving end. For me to even remotely think about settling down or committing to one man he would have to literally ride in on a white horse ready to save the day. None of that half ass dutch shit either. No more of me paying for all the dates, picking up the bill everywhere we go and sacrificing all my time. He will have to come in and change my whole situation for the better. What is the point in all this lovey dovey stuff if I'm not being taken cared of? I don't want to deal with another person's issues. So he would have to have less baggage than me. smh...yeah, I know this is bad. Get this..he would have to love me MORE than I love him. Damn Joy, this is some selfish shit. Yeah, I know.
For him to capture my heart he would literally have to ride in crack me over the head and pour his true loving intentions in. Other than that, I'm not interested. And it looks like I don't have to worry about getting hit over the head with a blunt object. None of these dudes are serious about me. I can admit that no one is really checking for me so I have no worries in this area. So what am I going to do in the meantime if/when this mystery guy shows up? Now we have Dilemma #2....
See this is when things get really tricky. I want sex unattached. BUT, I don't want the backlash and the disrespect that comes along with it. I'm still debating in my mind if married/taken men are off limits..yeah, bad Joy bad Joy. But, hear me out. I need sex on a regular basis. If I do find some guy that is single looking to mingle (which I doubt, looking at the pickings), he is liable to get attached, feel I owe him something and start acting like we are an item. Not a good look..On the other hand, a taken man is not looking for my heart to be in it. He is looking for gratification by way of sex, a listening ear, understanding and/or intimacy. He will never commit. This is a situation I like...HOWEVER...these men are very disrespectful of my person and my TIME. UGH!!!! Yeah, I'm speaking from experience. It gets deeper family...Dilemma #3...
Then I have those times when I feel sooo lonely. Like, right now I'm sitting here in my apartment and all three of my kids are here and I feel so alone. There are times at night I wish I could roll over and touch someone. I miss those late night phone calls and early morning check ins before I go to work. BUT, I quickly snap out of it because I understand that to have that one would have to deal with loads of WORK, DRAMA, and CLINGYISHNESS (LOL, yeah, just made that up. And, I have the nerve to wonder why folk don't read my blog). And quite frankly, I just CAN'T. There you have it; the 2010 Edition of "I want my OWN man" ..not really. LOL
Bottom line: I feel like those butterflies flying free in the meadows and no one can catch it even though they fly so slow and low to the ground. Yes, I want to land on the shoulders I want to land on, take in the air up there and move on.
Tell me you still love me...LOL And yes, I know I need prayer...so get to praying for me. Love yall!
13 people feelin' some type of way:
Look, I can't be mad at you. You've experienced what you have. You're retreating into your protective shell...understood.
Like I've told you before...I don't believe that a relationship is a necessity to happiness in life. You can surely be happy while being single.
I don't know about the unattached business...honey...there is NO guarantee when becoming closely bonded with someone...whether they're married or not. Many a married man/woman have fallen for their lover. I'm sure there are even cases of folks leaving their mates...so, again. Becoming hooked up with an attached dudes holds no guarantees of ease and stress free life.
dude*
Yeah, the unattached thing is wishful thinking because I haven't found it yet. And this is mostly due to me getting attached. Can't believe I said that but yeah. I need help. And yes, I think I can be happy and not be in a relationship. However, sex has to be on deck...LOL Still working on this..Thanks for reading my Kiwi and still loving me after this craziness I wrote above. LOL
Yea, I feel you.
Besides...I knew a while ago you were a lil off, but hey...that's why I love ya. LOL
U have ur walls up and there's nuthing wrong with that but when u open ur self to "no attachment" relationship it always tends to backfire on ya trust me I've experienced it. Idk if ill ever find my own again and I've stopped looking.
Yep, my walls are up. And like you, I don't think I will accept one of my own. I've already joined the bitter, 20 foot wall club. I kind of like it over here. I can peek over and look at the lost souls that still have hope..yeah, lol
Been there! I know about the disrespect of time which is why I stay away. And I made the decision to not leave as quickly as I should because there wasn't all that attachment that I definitely wasn't looking for.
I've also been the "taken" one in those situations and I've realized men catch feelings a lot sooner than a lot of women. So I'm with you there.
1st year is the hardest. I've been single since '07. And never actively sought out anything or anyone. Great learning and growth experience. Still making mistakes, but the good men that have come into my life because I've dealt with my issues have been a blessing.
Abigail...this past year was SOOOO hard. I went from wanting a man to hatred toward men to where I am right now. I just want to show up to the party empty handed take as much as I can hold and bounce. Bad I know. But, I've learned a lot about my life, the game, men and how they see women that are "technically" not theirs BUT willing to act like it every now and then. And I'm not feeling it. Something as simple as not canceling with me and having me waiting will set me off. So I stay in my corner sparing any innocent victims of my bitter anger. Thanks so much for reading.
Yeah, that was the first thing I learned--the flaking/radio silence comes with the territory. I guess you can say I'm a lot more "forgiving" now. It's kinda like, what did I expect? So last year when I wrote my post was the last time. I shouldn't use what happened before to make rash decisions about the next dude, but I assume that's the case when they can't call or text, they're with someone else.
About the anger: don't bottle that up, girl! That nearly killed me. Physically. Literally. So I've learned to express how I feel, even anger, without the dramatics. :-)
Been there...still there for about 5 years now (got ya'll beat) and I understand how you feel love!
I want to be involved but I can't be bothered with wasting my energies assessing on what I don't have. Stop worrying about 'getting' what you think you MIGHT need and worry about Joy!! YOU and yoru kids are the most important thing before any man! Trust me, as long as you FOCUS your energies accordingly, you'll get what you want without you even looking for it!
@Abigail: Yes, I have a lot of anger inside. And I try to use my writing as a way to get it out. Because I really don't want to hurt anyone that comes in my path. That is why I'm so brutally honest with these men.
@Caprice: Wow, 5 years!! I wanna be like Caprice. I guess I will get over it. I'm used to having a man and/or men running after me so this moment in time is playing on my ego...LOL All I know is I'm not waiting around anymore, looking cute, smelling good only for the man to renege and not even text me to ask for a rain check. That shit angers me so much I could bite through a BRICK! LOL Well...yeah, I need to let it go and handle my biz at home. Thanks so much for reading.
U are truly an open book Joy. Very little about u is hidden. I admire that. Yet another brilliantly written piece. And u already know, I definitely know where ur coming from....
Hey Quincy! Yeah, you know me. That is the only way I know how to be. Thanks so much for reading and understanding me.
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