Abuse taught me..

Like so many others, I've had run ins with abuse. In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness month, I want to share with you what abuse taught me. After reading The God'ess' blog on domestic violence found here, I was inspired to share.

My objective is not to bash the people involved but only to show you my pathway to abusive relationships. Like I've stated before in a previous blog found here, my circumstances created this feeling of desperation that blinded my sight to the true motives of those around me. All I could think about was lining myself up in the perfect situation so I wouldn't be looked down upon again because of my teen single mother womandome. Because of this a couple of slick willies pass by and got in without me realizing I was literally sleeping with the enemy. My mental state played a very serious part in why I found myself with guys that were verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive.

My exes never put their hands on me in a violent way. The men I dealt with were very unavailable emotionally and could be heartless if you pressed the wrong button. They were VERY book smart..conning and they knew how to use the things that bothered me against me. Years later I'm still feeling the residual effects of the mistakes I made dealing with them. My confidence is wavering, my bank account is baron, bankruptcy plagues me, and now I own the biggest skeptic for a heart due to their willings and dealings in my life. In order for me to stay away from being in another abusive situation where a man makes me feel like I have to pay him for being with me, I must keep my head above water. People will do what you allow them to do. Because of how I felt about myself and my situation I felt I had no choice but to deal with what they were dishing.

Subtle gestures would rip me up inside. There was no smacking, pushing or shoving. He would just stop touching me; no hugs, no kisses, no spooning for weeks, sometimes we would go months without sharing any kind of affection. If we were arguing about something, he would pull back his love and attention. Just to make SURE he didn't touch me he would squeeze by me when we crossed in the hall way or put pillows in between us in bed just to be on the safe side. This really played on my mind. We made plans together to save up for a house. Our budget called for us to pay off many credit card bills. He suggested we help each other pay off our bills starting with his first, of course. *smh* Under the guise of marriage, silly me I thought he was being genuine. So of course like an idiot I helped him pay off his bills getting his credit in order, once it was time to pay off mine he refused. Like clock work he would start to argue about stupid things so he could find an excuse to get out of paying off mine. Did you all know I own a mini van? Yeah, I own a mini van that I don't even know how to drive because I helped him get it under the guise of that marriage thing again. STUPID! I didn't stay in my stupidity though that is the light at the end of the tunnel. He promised me that the mini van was to help get me and kids around. Lies.. lies.. lies... A couple of times he drove me to work. Once he was sick of it, he would start to bitch and complain...yep, mo money, mo money, mo money down the drain. Often he would throw in my face how I had to pay more of the utility bills because of my two boys that didn't belong to him. BINGO.. he went there!!!!!!! So of course I put my head down and did what he said. I've even had the abusive type that was super jealous and would constantly accuse me of cheating. And if that didn't work he would name call or threaten to do bodily harm to me. You name it.. if it has anything to do with painful words I experienced it or something close to it. From calling me nappy headed to telling me I will never get a man; I've been there. A lesson learned will lead the next potential abuser burned.

I'm telling you all this because in the end it was due to my lack of love for the woman I saw in the mirror that allowed these men to take advantage of my heart, money, time and efforts. Please love that woman in the mirror even when no one else cares.

Helpful Links:

http://queenscourier.com/articles/2010/10/19/news/top_stories/doc4cb5d9a53851b492165692.txt

http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/

http://dvam.vawnet.org/

http://crime.about.com/od/women/a/abuse040721.htm