Truth Day 4: hurt people, hurt people

4: something I have to forgive someone else for

Get a load of that picture. You know I love y'all right?! I have to love you guys to share this pic. Yes, that is me darker than ever carrying my little Chloe. Well, where do I begin? I married this man above April 30, 2004. My lil real life baby doll was born June 25, 2004. We separated September 2006. Yep, that quick. My ex-husband spoke of his hatred toward his mother (plus women, in general *ding, ding, ding* a clue, a clue) often because of the physical abuse he had to endure. His many childhood stories of neglect would tear me up inside and I would gravitate toward him to nurture him. It was clear that his mother's actions stained him. But, what I didn't realize at the time was that the stain his mother left would never come out. People go through tragedies in life and manage to become loving wives, husbands, sons and daughters. However, there are times when people never get fixed. The damage is so beyond repair that they will never get well. It is not easy to pick up on the hopeless cases, so many times we walk right into the inferno. I know using the word 'never' is a bit extreme but if you walked a day in my shoes with him, you would know what I mean. My errors are many concerning him. Yes, I need to forgive him for some things as well.

My first and biggest error concerning my ex-husband was that I wanted from him some things he could never give me; true love, affection, compassion. He is not capable. He is emotionally unavailable. During our marriage, my ex-husband would tell me all the time that no man would ever want me because of my baggage (my kids), I should be grateful he is there for me, and that I was only a pretty face. We said a lot of different things to each other, but those words I will never forget. I carry them around with me. Certain things he would say triggered the angry black woman in me, and I commenced to emasculating him. I realize that now, because I see how weak he is under my words. I really hate to say this, but he couldn't handle my words. I was stronger than him. So, our arguments were never fair. From the outside it seemed my words carried no weight, but I see today how he carries them around with him allowing my words to shape his thoughts. He is in a time warp. Talking to him is like being in 2006 all over again. He can't move on. After 5 years of separation, many court appearances and fights, he finally admitted that he was wrong with how he treated me with no love. And get this, he admitted that he didn't know how to talk to me without hurting me. He wants me back.. HA! Then he concluded by asking me out to a movie. o_O Side note: This dude could bring me the Taj Mahal in his hands and I would still turn him down. He could hit the Mega cashing in $300 million and I would be like good for you, I'm still through. It's that deep. Anywho.. Many of my friends, including my mother would tell me to stop reading his emails because of how mean he is but you don't understand what that particular email did for me. We married for the wrong reasons. And God allowed me a way out of that situation. We verbally beat up on each other a lot toward the end of our marriage, daily.

So...

I have to forgive him for not knowing how to love me. I have to forgive him for using me as a verbal punching bag for all these years. I have to forgive him for using our daughter as a tool to hurt me. I have to forgive him for the blood, sweat and tears he spills daily trying to stop me from getting my life back by hindering me from divorcing. I have to forgive him. Why? Because I need to move on with my life and not just through divorce court proceedings. I need to move on by letting go of the pain..letting go of the disappointment..letting go of the mistake of our marriage. Hurt people, hurt people. And like me, he is only human.