love...for a time

1~ First Love (of course!)...what they meant/mean to you...

For the last 20 minutes, I sat here fidgeting. I tried to find a picture to go with this blog. Then I started fussing over the title..all of this so I didn't have to think about what I know I have to write.

For a long time I thought I was not capable of displaying love or receiving love. Boyfriends I had in my 20's would say that I come off as cold blooded. Enlightening ideas (the hope) can be so exciting when they reap new businesses, new relationships, or new ways of thinking. But, perplexing ideas (the lies) can render you self conscience and you can even find yourself not only believing the lie but also helping the lie flourish. I had to learn that just because a person is persistent in their ideas it doesn't make them real. My fake first love (who I'm sure will end up in future blogs) was very persistent in convincing me that no one would ever love me. Well, he was wrong. At that moment I realized he was displaying the example of being unloving. Yeah, I'm that chick that believes in equilibrium and things of that nature. If he can show me how someone can hate and withhold love, I thought, there has to be someone that can show me and teach me how to love. 

My first love was a love that was witnessed by many. Not only was I blind-sided with its existence; I was also redeemed through it.He found me through yahoo 360 and sent me a private message.He is a gemini and I had no idea how the gemini/cancer combo was a crazy incompatibility. But, we live and learn.

Rob was my first love. I was 33 and didn't even know that what I experienced in my late 20's was indeed desperation, ignorance, neediness..not love. There I was, 33, opening myself up to this man, pouring my heart's true feelings out before him and it felt good. It felt right. I wanted to help this man, understand this man, encourage this man, support this man. He could even sense when I was bothered. This amazed me because I'm a professional when it comes to hiding my true feelings. I just had an appointment yesterday with my therapist and she mentioned how she was wowed by my masking abilities. I'm really good at it. Too good, even. But, yes, he means so much to me. He was the proof I needed. Through him, with him, while loving him..I made up for and made amends with what I thought was an unlovable person. Me.

Unfortunately, the feelings I poured out before him came back to bite me in the ass. He threw back in my face some things I confided in him.  In response to the pain, I refused to be there for him when he needed me. Our relationship's end hurt me so deeply that I thought I wouldn't survive 2009. But, here I am, 35 and alive. Even though he hurt me and I hurt him, it doesn't erase the love we had for each other...for a time. Now I can smile, truthfully, and say, thank you.