When I look at me...

While sitting here listening to Dwele's "Free As a Bird" I ponder the subject of me in the pic above. Today I found myself staring at this pic. I'm not staring at it because I feel that I'm all that. It's understood that looking at yourself and liking what you see is not a good look in this society. But, I do see a woman that is sexy in her skin and she has come a long way. I got lost in my eyes. I remember a day when I wouldn't dream of wearing a dress. In my teens I never felt comfortable in them. And I wouldn't jeopardize my comfort for anything. There are 2 times that I wore a dress and felt confident in my own skin; this pic above and also in my cousin's wedding. Before I start to get into pulling back the layers of what makes me tick, I asked myself these questions. How could one not see beauty in me? How could one not want to know her? How could one walk away from her? Simple. What I see through my eyes others may not see. And more than likey, some are blind and can't see me.

Then I start to look deeper. I am the result of a lot of pain and I took the opposite route of how I cope. I learned this year that it is hard, damn near impossible, for me to flip someone off. I've been so neglected, rejected and forgotten that I CAN'T knowingly make another person feel that way. Even when you are pissing me off, I have to find the nice way to say fuck off. Crazy. And I've been called coward and softee because of that. It's not that the anger doesn't dwell in me. It manifest differently. I'm not the type to bust out windows like Jazmine Sullivan. If I ever caught my man in the act of cheating, I would just walk away and never speak to them again. Why? Because the pain is already there, they probably feel like crap. And of course I feel like crap, so what is the point in sticking around. Why not use all the energy it takes to hold on to anger and instead channel it into self therapy? I'm not a hot head. You better believe if I'm angry it wasn't the first offense. However, part of my personality needs to know 'why'. That my friends, is my downfall. I want to know why something happened. How could I have triggered such an reaction? Mainly, I need to know why so I can make an adjustment if need be or just say to hell with that if my behavior was fair.

How do I view others? I want others; friends, associates, family and such to be just the way they are. I know how to accept the whole of a person by taking the good and the bad. And I'm always able to find something humorous in the bad. Personalities are precious to ones character and why change them. Just measure the pros and cons and you will find that you can't live without both sides.

MY worth? I know what I deserve and I know what I want. Sometimes it's hard to scream these things from the mountain tops with my life according to statistics. My mother was there for me the best way she knew how and I respect her for that. I love her. My father wasn't there at all. He is holding on to some issue he has with my mother from the past and some how he got it in his mind that he had no obligation to be there for me. With all the crap that I take from folks, there are some gray areas called "the unforgiveables". I will never forgive my father for abandoning me. I will never forgive the pain my ex-husband put me through and still going strong with his sick twisted agenda. And I will never forgive my ex-boyfriend for killing our love and friendship. The one person most times I can't forgive is myself. So, I'm not perfect. And, I have a clear idea of what needs work concerning me, that chic in the pic above.

When it comes to children, my children, I have a unique view on this. We Americans have spoiled our kids so much, that they are so out of control. I gave my kids life and I don't have to give them my life on top of that. It is my job to be there for them guiding them in what I feel is the right direction and pulling back when need be to help them feel the growing pains. I try my best to shower my children with hugs, kisses and encouraging words when I can because as a child I wasn't touched much. My mother loved me no doubt. She just wasn't one for cuddling and showering me with kisses. She was raised by her father. So when I see myself being somewhat cold I make myself snap out of it. Because behavior is learned at a young age and it sticks with you. People sometimes look at me weird because I might say or do things differently when it concerns my kids. And I understand that. I'm one of those parents that doesn't see their kids as the saving grace or little people who do no wrong. Sometimes being a parent is not the greatest. Whoever feels that kids are the best thing since slice bread hasn't really endured everything concerning little ones and have no right to judge.

Where am I right now in life? I'm trying to get out of my current job. I've become stagnant there, comfortable. I gotta try to jump start my career. Also, I seriously need to learn how to drive. Not because I want to seriously drive, there is no car. It's just a fear about being behind the wheel I need to overcome. As far as love, got one word for that 'draining'.

What does Joy love to do? I love to dream. Sometimes I get lost in them. I see dreams the same way I see fantasies. They are not all meant to be fulfilled but most times needed to replace negative thoughts in that moment in time. I remember in 4th grade how I enjoyed listening to the stories my step sister would tell...I would get lost in them. I love to create beautiful things. I love music. Certain songs speak to my spirit so much so that I have to partake in them repeatedly. I told my ex-husband once that I don't want to know the mechanics behind how the beauty in songs come to life. I'm only interested in the final beautiful project. I believe music should be seen as something magical. Artist getting together to make magic happen. We people need to know all the secrets and inner thoughts of everything. Why is this? I like the mystery behind many things, especially music. For example, I don't want to know if Jodeci didn't get along because of this or that. It all takes away from the music and it's none of my business.

How could someone look at the pic above and not want to know me....baffles me. But, I do know that I'm a damn good friend and would do anything for a lover. My kids have everything they need and have far beyond what I could have dreamed at their ages. I found that when love has escaped me it's solely due to one judging me harshly. Until someone sits me down and shows me the major error of my way,in love, I will continue to be me and all that means....