Truth Day 1: My Sensitivity Gets in the Way

1: something I hate about myself

A thicker skin is what I seek but I know that in order to attain mental toughness I must get punched some more in the gut by life. The woman you see before you today is definitely not the same as that 15 year old new New Yorker from Selma, Alabama. I'm still mastering the art of making insults and hurtful words roll off my back like they say we should. I have a long way to go. There are still a lot of things that will penetrate. I hate that people can leave scars on my heart. I hate being so sensitive in a hard place where one must rely heavily on mental toughness, not allowing words or even actions to deter you from completing life's mission. You will be amazed at the things I remember and other things I can't remember. Basically, I'm a walking open wound. The healing is impaired due to the same area getting bruised by the same words or tactics. People in my life know my weakness and arm themselves with salt to throw at me whenever they need to vent or get back at me. Anything involving my kids is a sore spot. My overweight body is a sore spot. My single motherdome of three from three men is a sore spot. No matter how much I toughen up my spirit or give myself pep talks, the mean words always find a way to my soft heart. I hate it.

My sensitivity grows branching out causes other aspects of my life to suffer. My sensitive overly emotional state leaves me second guessing myself at every turn, crippled in the decision making area; overall this softness makes me indecisive in all my ways. Being delicate or fragile is cool only if you are only exposed to those that love you and even then you are liable to get hurt unintentionally. Sensitivity is not respected on any level. Society can merely hiccup and I'm already churning in pain. I know you are like .. wth! You may not notice if you are not looking intently. In order to keep my head up, I offset this sensitivity by beckoning my acting skills. I'm really good.. like in an Edward Norton "Primal Fear" type way. You should see me at my job. They know nothing of my sensitive shell. I'm giving it to them raw, doggie style. I don't play games. You know what they say..sometimes you gotta fake it until you make it. I can go on and on. Now let me go worry about how this blog will be received and try not to get my feelings hurt when I don't get any comments. smh Pray for me, y'all.